Wow.

I wonder why I bother to keep a blog if I don't post to it?

thankfully I feel much better than I did last time I posted. Meds are stable. Meanwhile things are going well on the worship team. That's good cuz we are in the final week or so of preparing for the annual ordeal that is known as the Christmas Cantata. And as soon as we are done with that we have been told we will start preparing for Easter. But the good thing is that the new worship leader does know how to lead a choir and to teach us this stuff with a minimum of pain and annoyance. I'm not bored as heck like I normally would be.

Other than that simply adjusting to the idea that I am 44. Also wondering how it will feel when Christmas comes. Will I be okay or will there just be too many reminders of a lost friend? Actually I am thinking I will be fine. The grieving process is a strange and convoluted one but I know I am thru the worst of it. At least I can remember stuff now and not bawl my eyes out.

Still getting used to the new worship leader. Totally different from my friend (you know, the one that died)...it's hard to get used to working with him. Only because it's different, I guess.

meanwhile it's that time of year. When a lot of us bipolars start sinking into pits again. The pdoc thinks it is because of the shorter days -evidently there is a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder in all this-or maybe simply more darkness is just depressing period.
I am experimenting with my meds a bit, hoping to make an adjustment that will help. Funny-the same med that leaves me bouncing off walls one time of year barely gets a rise out of me other times. No wonder we are so stinking hard to treat.

meanwhile I learn to cope again with random crying spells at the most inopportune times, along with the inability to be in Walmart more than five or ten minutes at a stretch (I say the latter as if it were a bad thing)...heh.

I need to update this thing more but sometimes it just feels like climbing Mount Everest sans sherpa.

well, for a live blog I haven't been writing much. Been busy. Had a cold (or was it the flu?) I need to clean the house and I am putting it off (well, I am washing the dishes and on the computer at the same time. Alternating, that is.

It is so hard to know what to post and what not to. I have a few skeletons rattling around (and yes I consider the bipolar part of that). I was way too open about it on the "net and now I am having to cover my tracks. One reason I started this weblog. More anonymous. Different email. That sort of thing. It also keeps the obsessive-compulsives on Mefi from tracking me down and lambasting my every comment regarding Metafilter. Of course it wouldn't take that much effort to find me if they wanted to...I stink at being covert I guess.

As for said bipolar, I was broke and couldn't afford my meds for a week. That week was enough to send my hubby to my doc to pick up a boatload of samples. I had no idea just how incapable and immobile I could be without them...one reason this blog saw no action.

I'm on this computer too darn much as it is.

No, this isn't a dead blog, just a slow one.

You would think that without a job I wouldn't be as busy. Wrong! I am sitting here thinking about all the things that MUST be done today and even tho they are nice things, I don't want to do any of them.

Unfortunately sitting at this computer is not one of the things I need to be doing right at the moment. Ugh.

As I was typing the previous I happened to look at my computer speakers to see Roachzilla crawling up on one of them. (they come in from outside occasionally).
ick.

There were tons of these things down in Florida where I used to live. They were euphemistically called 'palmetto bugs'. EVERYBODY (and I do mean everybody) down there either has them or is on a first-name basis with the Orkin man. One of the nice surprises of Florida living. They actually try to run up your pants' leg when you try to spray them.

They pop when you step on 'em.

I really need to update this thing more often.

Now that I am not working for pay I have been indulging in more than a bit of daytime tv. I notice there are a lot of court shows.
Also I have noticed that a LOT of talkshows have all these women (and girls-some as young as fourteen) trying to prove some pimply-faced guy is the father of their child. It blows my mind...yesterday this girl of sixteen was crying and saying she got pregnant the first time she was intimate with this fellow-who was ungallantly proclaiming that on the contrary she was more experienced than she was admitting to...the test came back-saying the guy was NOT the father...I mean, come on, her parents were sitting there and everything....the only good thing about this whole sordid mess was that the parents did stick by her...

Say I'm a prude. OH STINKING WELL. LOOK at the pain confusion and heartbreak all this indiscriminate activity has led to. And don't give me the birth control spiel. Condoms break, people.

Here he is.(If the link works right).

Here is a photo of the "gentleman" who emailed the Miss North Carolina organisation about the revealing snapshots he had of Rebecca Revels, his former girlfriend.

Just thought you's want to take a good look.

I'm sitting here with a lukewarm cup of tea. Peter Jennings in the background.

They are reading the names of the Trade Tower victims....they are only up to the "c"s....

It is taking a heartbreakingly long time...

It's a beautiful day here...if I remember correctly it was a bit overcast here a year ago. All we had at work was my radio and someone else's miniature black-and-white tv with lousy reception.

We couldn't grasp what we were seeing and hearing, not really.

We have had a year now to let it sink in. That and watching friends and neighbors get deployed to Afghanistan and other places with funny names...

We have our ceremonies marking this day....all over the nation, even the world. I suppose they fill a need. A need to do something. To underline and set apart what has happened. An attempt to grasp, to fit it in to our grasp of what reality is supposed to be.

I wonder if it is working.